Bulimia and depression
Cerebrum Cortex: Identity- and argumentation conflict – right dominant woman
During the past years, I have changed more than many human beings do for a whole lifetime. I have felt the bottom, the pain, the relief, and the change, and I couldn’t have been without any of it, should I get so far, as I am today. I have said goodbye to my eating disorder, which dominated my whole youth; I have found the joy and passion for my creativity and reached the surface of an ocean of suicidal thoughts and fear. Now I am able to breath.
… I started participating in a bulimia group at one of the hospital treatment centres of Copenhagen. At the end of this course, I was to answer a questionnaire as long as the bible – identical to the questionnaire I had to answer before the start of the course. A questionnaire meant to explain the degree of one’s eating disorder and depression. I was surprised to discover that now the curves of my answers were normal and sometimes even below normal, whereas before they were in the red field.
…A stubborn point of view, which almost cost me my relationship to them. They were to blame for our bad communication and didn’t love me enough. After having received thought field therapy, I have now accomplished a rather funny closeness with my parents. I can now accept and contain their errors; and from previously wanting to cut them off, I am now able to say yes or no – depending on what I want myself….
Getting up in the morning, feeling angry and restless; going to work; eating to little; coming home and eating too much; being sad and wanting to give up; having a bad conscience of being creatively blocked; being extremely tired; going to bed. After the summer of 2011, I had got a job as a sales person at a bookstore, and from now on, everything went down the hill. But let me start from the beginning:
My life has always been hard. I have felt different; talented, but different and with a kind of a pain deep inside of me. When I was small, I was bullied for being overweight, and when I turned 11, it was my biggest wish to loose weight. My older sister suggested me to have a weekly day, when I could eat sweets and not having any sweets for the rest of the week. This resulted in an even more disturbed relationship to food and candy as well as a specific sickly focus on my weight and body figure. When I had the first session with Martin in the autumn of 2011, I changed between eating restrictively to eating too much. I had suffered from eating disorders for 8 years, and it was now bulimic. My image of my body was distorted, and I had made myself to believe that ”if I just loose weight x numbers of kilos, my life would be complete, and the emptiness would disappear, and I would become the star and artist, whom I had always known I was deep down inside of me”. It was a mendacious promise, but never the less, it had become my mantra and my imagination of reality until the autumn of 2011, when I met Martin. After 8 years with eating disorders, I finally met someone, who questioned my imagination of reality. At that point of time, it felt, as if my whole life had been a lie. The promises of the eating disorder had all been lies and put a lid on much bigger problems.
After intensive sessions of thought field therapy working on heavy conflicts from the past between my parents and me, my creative blocking, my eating disorder, as well as fear of the future, and an increasing fear of death, I went down with a depression. Feelings as fear, anger, powerlessness, and shame – which had lived in me always right down under the surface – were released and forced me on my knees. I reported myself ill – at first from my work – with flue, and I spent about three days, considering my situation, but no matter how much I was considering, my body had said “no”. I was finished doing stuff, I didn’t want to do, and this time I wasn’t able to “force my self to go on” without having solved my problems.
When I started in a bulimic group at one of the hospital centres of Copenhagen, I discovered that it was like hitting on a pillow, so I continued my treatments with Martin despite the fact that it was against the hospital rules. It was strictly forbidden to be in a treatment at other places at the same time. Slowly, I started being able to make my own decisions in regards of choices of food, and I was becoming more and more comfortable with my own body. The other girls of the group look at me with surprise, when I in record time fought myself out of the darkness shortly after my start in the group. When I left the group after 6 months, I was the ”healthy jewel” of the doctors. Today, I can only but sigh, when I realize that they now went on in the system with the apprehension that it was due to their expertise I had been cured from my disturbed image of my body and my eating disorder. If I hadn’t received the TFT sessions, I am sure that I had been at exactly the same place today, as when I started in the group. It might even have deteriorated my situation being in the same room as girls without any strategy against their eating disorders.
Later on I was to learn from a female friend of the group that major part of the girls taking part in the same group had left the group shortly after I left, as they didn’t feel that the treatment helped them. This really tells us something about our health system of today.
I started participating in a bulimia group at one of the hospital treatment centres of Copenhagen. At the end of this course, I was to answer a questionnaire as long as the bible – identical to the questionnaire I had to answer before the start of the course. A questionnaire meant to explain the degree of one’s eating disorder and depression. I was surprised to discover that now the curves of my answers were normal and sometimes even below normal, whereas before they were in the red field. Besides from the eating disorders, I was asked about major subjects as loneliness, social relations, self-esteem, and joy of life. I had been treated against traumas concerning these subjects by the help of Martin’s TFT sessions of TFT for seven intensive months, and I can in no way acknowledge that the distanced doctors have any credit for my cure.
There is a saying that the change has to come from oneself. This is difficult, if you are angry with your surroundings, and during the teenage years I was extremely angry with my parents. Sometimes there was a verbal war in the house. It has always been my starting point that they were the ones, who needed to change.
A stubborn point of view, which almost cost me my relationship to them. They were to blame for our bad communication and didn’t love me enough. After having received thought field therapy, I have now accomplished a rather funny closeness with my parents. I can now accept and contain their errors; and from previously wanting to cut them off, I am now able to say yes or no – depending on what I want myself….
I am convinced that the change came, when I changed. I remember an exercise from the start of my therapy sessions, which Martin helped me through. I was to write down all my negative stuff about my parents. After having seen the hard statements on the paper, the key question was placed: “Do you feel the same way about yourself?”
This was the start of an avalanche of thoughts about my relationship to my parents. I think I have been through all kinds of feelings towards my parents for the past year. I also had a period, when I almost denied being their daughter, because I felt that all my bad characteristic and unhappiness came from them. In time, by the help from the treatments, I was able to make peace with them; and not until then came the joy of being together with them. The cleansing of my relationship to my parents has been just as much a cleansing of my self-hatred. Concurrently with my treatments I felt better, and that strengthened my relationship to my mother and father.
After suffering from eating disorders, it has often been difficult for me to feel a sold base. Who am I?; where am I going? The past is coming straight against me.
Suddenly, I have a lot of time and can feel my body again. Everything doesn’t feel as if it is directed straight to the gulf anymore, but as a path heading towards something new. I won’t learn who I am, until I am not thinking – but just being.